09 Celeb Predictions

1. Fergie Ferg and J-Dumz finally tie the knot. F-Ferg pees thru her wedding dress, but continues on with her rendition of One Love as her wedding gift to him. He then turns to Owen Wilson and requests the butter knife he used in 08 to try to end it all.


2. Jenny A and Johnny M will get preggers. JAni will keep the baby... JMayer will cut and run.


3. Speidi (Spencer and Heidi) will not actually get married, but they will haunt and ruin the next season of the hills.


4. Owen Wilson will attempt suicide #2 with a cheese spreader instead of the failing butter knife.


5. Kate Hudson and son Ryder will continue dressing like twins, including hair.


6. J-Simpson will trick T-Romo into believing she is pregnant to get a proposal out of him. They will then get preggers on their Cabo honeymoon and name the child Baloo or Bagira to rival her sister's Mowgli.


7. Soliel Moon-Frye will finally have her comeback. And i mean "comeback" in the Lifetime movie deal kind of way.


8. ScarJo finally admits to husband Ryan that she pictures Obama's face while making love and the marriage is annulled just in time for her july 4th star spangled overalls to come out of the closet.


9. Li-Lo dumps attention whore Sam-Ro for her extension stylist. Figures giving a girl oral should at least get her some free extendos.


10. Solange kills older, more famous, sister in sleep due to the fact that she can't catch a fucking break thanks to her starving for attention older sister. Realizes she'll only ever be casted in Feria Hair Care commercials and seeks revenge.


11. Jeremy Piven realizes mercury poisioning was his own fault and has friend poison him for real this time so he can blame it on someone again. Also writes a tell all book about the similarities of Ari Gold's life to his own.


12. Suri Cruise becomes youngest celeb to write tell all book about her freak parents and the fact that her father is actually Chris Klein as well as the fact that Scientology is a pyramid scheme.


13. Paris goes bizerk when TV BFF becomes more famous than her... AGAIN. Brittney then dates Benji Madden and becomes Nikki Richie's sister-in-law by Christmas.


14. JLo and Skeletor finally divorce and literally take half of eachothers belongings. JLo keeps the girl. Skellie takes the boy. Later, JLo and Star Jones become ladies who lunch.


15. Britney Spears' comeback is put on hold due to her loose legged sister's second pregnancy. Spears' family team up with Palin family to write best selling books on parenting.

2008: a reflection

With 09 approaching, and my resolutions clearly laid out, i figure it's time to reflect on some things i learned in 2008.

1. weddings are priceless and you should spend whatever you want on them as long as its the party you dreamed of.
2. honeymoons are the shit and should be taken yearly.
3. diamonds are the best way to finish any outfit. including sweats.
4. there's nothing like blogging and gchatting to pass the day away.
5. tv online is priceless
6. getting close to people inevitably means they'll move away.
7. personal trainers are expensive but important.
8. nyc is the new black. and i fully intend to get there in a more permie way.
9. amy winehouse is not coming back
10. celine dion is kick ass in concert
11. amateur burlesque is just that... amateur.
12. PBR is still the best beer ever.
13. red wine is addicting.
14. entitled blondes are funny.
15. unofficial high school reunions are not binge drinking events.
16. expensive cheese tastes better.
17. amazon dot com owns me.
18. online shopping is just as addictive as actual shopping.
19. dogs eat shoes. mainly the expensive ones.
20. heated seats are gifts from god.
21. text messaging is the best form of communication.
22. TV can change your life (see Gossip Girl, Big Love, HIMYM, Always Sunny, etc).
23. that champagne tastes better on a roof deck.
24. that friends come and go but dogs love you forever.
25. that US Weekly doesn't count as actual reading material.
26. that purchasing a pair of expensive sunglasses forces me to actually take care of said sunglasses instead of buying 34293847 cheap pairs.
27. that tofu is not the devil... and that it actually tastes quite good.
28. that relying on shoes and handbags to make me not feel fat doesnt actually work.
29. that the search for the perfect pair of jeans will NEVER end.
30. the importance of a good tailor.
31. a whole year without LOST is a sad year.
32. that republicans don't rule the world after all.
33. that i have an addictive personality
34. that fredflare.com should have a frequent buyer's card
35. that i can't pull off the hippy headband look.
36. that there is actually no limit to how may times i can watch certain movies including, but not limited to: love actually, high fidelity, serendipity, hot rod, elf, almost famous, why did i get married, father of the bride and all the beatles movies.
37. that i CAN cook... if i try.
38. that the megabus isn't all that bad.. when you're sitting across from eye candy.
39. that tattoo's can help heal your pain.
40. that i scored the best hubby ever.

if there is one person who can pull of sequin pants...

its kristen bell.

why do i find you so fascinating?

you're a bad actress, you come from Dina Lohan, and you're dating the only person on earth keeping the fedora industry in business... but i still find you irresistible. One of life's many mysteries i suppose...

resolutions:2009

Bare with me... I am fully aware that some of these are sadistic and bizarre, but they're my fucking goals ok? I'm nice enough to share them with you, so be nice enough to support me on it!
Some things i would like to accomplish in 2009:
1. return to a size 0-2. and stay there.
2. purge nearly all old clothing and start collecting timeless staple pieces that will last. All other trend items will come from forever college etc.
3. purchase 3 pieces of expensive jewelry for myself.
4. 3 new tattoos
5. become a yogi
6. run a 10K (ew)
7. finish book 1 of 8
8. move to NYC
9. spend more time with deej webb (husband)
10. purchase first (and probably last) pair of Louboutins
11. find a bra that works... instead of wearing nothing but tank tops
12. stop biting my nails and get regular manicures to aide this idea
13. learn to curl my hair ala whitney port
14. drink more water
15. drink LESS diet coke
16. appreciate my body more
17. invest in spanx
18. purchase a beach cruiser
19. to re-learn french and convince myself that 600 bones for Rosetta Stone is worth it.
20. attend more dance classes
21. boycott the jonas brothers
22. attend more concerts
23. drink 0 cocktails all year. seriously.
24. learn to cook pad thai
25. purchase and use a george foreman
26. test and perfect creating the perfect homemade salsa
27. treat myself to one massage every 1-2 months
28. sketch more often
29. guest blog for john mayer
30. train gladys and goldie to do this:

You know you're a ________ when you ________.

drooling...

it's literally Free to F on new years eve...

Listen up kids, tomorrow is the best free day on the face of the earth. Anything goes. It's a holiday based on drinking champagne and teeny sequin dresses.
You have a free pass from whomever you believe in up there... so close your eyes, open your legs and wish for a disease free morning.
As most of you know, i dont actually care for this holiday... minus the extreme champagne intake, but here are some instructions for you to follow for this wild night:
1. girls: wear something sparkly and small. its tradition.
2. boys: wear something fitted and hot. its tradition.
3. boys: buy a drink (or bring over a free one if you're in an all you can drink situation) for a lovely lady. This will win you points. and help to secure your midnight match up.
4. girls: have 2-3 glasses of champagne between 10 and 11:45 to ensure you're drunk enough to have no inhibitions, but not drunk to the point of vomiting in a strangers mouth.
5. girls: go overboard on the makeup, its the only night you wont be confused for the hookers down the street.
6. all: don't forget to pound water all day in prep. your body needs it.
7. all: don't take NYE too seriously. no drama is the best motto for the night.
8. all: kiss a random. NYE is already chock full of over expectations, the last thing you need is to throw a wrench in a potential relationship. NYE is all about kissing randoms.
9. all: take a cab, hire a driver, whatever works for you. don't drive anywhere.
10. all: in case of a morning after awkward moment, prep your bedside table with essentials like gum or Listerine strips, condoms, kleenex, etc. This ensures that no matter who's house you end up at, there is help nearby.

today in: things that are making me smile

1. its my friday.
2. i'm not hungover
3. brown rice
4. enchilladas
5. gchat
6. the city
7. the fact that jerky is less than 24 hours away
8. cabin time
9. online shopping
10. free shoes came in the mail
11. new friends
12. the idea of a new home
13. looking for luxe jobs in nyc like whitney has
14. vaseline
15. tv online
16. blogging
17. dreaming about my book deal
18. looking forward to the january cleanse
19. sharpies. they're just the best
20. advil. it tastes like candy!

things i learned from The City

Well bitches, it's finally here. Whitney's debut episode(s) of The City and i can tell you, with CERTAINTY, that i am in love. Not only is it a fantastic show filled with the perfect mix of size 0 women and gorgeous men, but its also educational! As a girl who's thinking of moving to NYC, this is extremely helpful.

Here are a few things I learned last night:
1. everyone has long hair. do not cut your hair before you go.
2. everyone is a size 0 and you have no excuse. get in shape fat-ass.
3. everyone lives in amazing apartments with rooms and walls and balconies. why have you been looking at things that rent for under 2500 a month. you should be paying a LOT more to have walls.
4. get a roof deck and befriend art dealer's children. they're the who's who in NYC and they will not only take a free dinner, but they'll stab you in the back as well.
5. everyone goes out to eat, but doesn't actually EAT anything.
6. only drink champagne. the expensive stuff
7. dating models and musicians can make for an awkward run in at the bar.
8. musicians are devious and hot.
9. models are sensitive and wear dumb hats.
10. befriend an "olivia"... she can be your bitch friend.
11. everyone has fabulous jobs, but no one ever works.
12. wear sky high heels everywhere. my dreams have come true.
13. wear mini dresses daily. there is never a reason to wear anything but this.
14. find a roommate thats a mix of hot and chipmunk
15. statement jewelry is in. do it.
16. buy first pair of manolos and have manolo sign them himself.
17. figure out why i didnt get to have a DEB ball. explain to mom that she scarred me for life by not giving me one.
18. wake up every morning with enough time to curl hair perfectly.
19. hang with either the rich kids or the downtown kids. do not cross pollinate.
20. some how have a XL starbucks delivered every morning.

daily dee

source

dating 101: ideas for a blind first date

Another reader question requesting ideas for a first date/meeting with a person you met online. This meeting should be taken in a light hearted, but serious manner... you may be telling your grandkids the story of your first date, so think long and hard and be a little creative.

Here are some ideas i came up with... maybe a few will help jumpstart a more personal idea for your specific date.

1. Grocery to Dinner - I always say there is a lot you can learn about someone at the grocery. the way they shop, if they have a routine in the store, the types of food and produce they buy... Not only is it a fun idea to shop together, but then to create a meal together is an enormous bonding experience. Not to mention plenty of conversation to be had. if this date doesn't work, there really is no future for you two. This is a date i recommend as ANY type of first date.

2. Dance Class - boys, suck it up... This is a great date for many reasons:
a) girls love to dance, and find men who dance irresistible
b) you shouldn't be dating a girl that cant laugh at herself
c) you should be able to laugh at yourself. its charming and attractive
Theres time to talk, laugh, etc. and after the class you'll share a dessert over a glass of wine and reflect on how silly you looked.

3. Couples Massage - don't be afraid of the world couples in this activity, it merely means 2 people in the same room. A luxe massage will really show her you're in to the same things, like keeping yourself up, taking care of your body, and the idea of indulgence. Plus it guarantees you a naked experience on your first date. Follow this up with a bottle of champagne and some chocolates on the couch of her place and you'll be guaranteed an invite back.

4. Brewery Tour - this guarantees outside noise and other people filling in the awkward silences, and promises a few drinks to loosen up the situation.

5. Food Tour - I believe that this is maybe the most fun date experience. If you can find out her favorite food, for example Lasagna, you take a tour of 3-5 restaurants. The rules are you can ONLY order one order of the desired food to share and a glass of wine to accompany it. You'll be full and a little drunk by the end of the night, the perfect way to end a first date.

So you want to be my friend...

Well I have created a little test for you. write your answers in the comments section and i will let you know how you rank on my list of friends:

1. How do I feel about Ice Cream shaped lamps?
2. My husband hates when i buy _____?
3. Can you use "ew" in a sentence?
4. What are your thoughts on Kewpie dolls?
5. Can you define NumsLock
6. please order the color of Starburst in my favorite flavors, best to worst (original flavored)
7. How many licks did it take me to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
8. Would you buy my book?
9. How do you feel about Human Style?
10. Do you think its possible for me to live on hummus and pita alone?
11. How do you feel about happy hour?
12. Can you hold a conversation based on the topic of feeling fat?
13. Where can you buy the best jerky?
14. Have you ever been to, or heard of, poor folks bar?
15. Do you watch Gossip Girl?
16. What are the 3 funniest shows you watch?
17. Are you willing to get piss ass drunk with me?
18. Have you seen "Love Actually", if yes, how many times?
19. What is Forever College?
20. Do you think that i may be half monkey?
21. What is the only Olympic sport i enjoy watching (in either season)
22. Why don't i own a beach cruiser?
23. How do i feel about fish? (dead or alive)
24. Best item on a relish tray is _________?
25. How do you feel about a tour of all 50 state fairs?
26. Do you read "Fuck you, Penguin" on the daily?
27. Who is the best character on The Office?
28. The best fountain diet coke comes from what fast food chain?
29. Name 3 things I am addicted to.
30. If you were going to buy me a gift, what would it be?

fact.

See's chocolate lollipops are probably the best thing on the face of the planet. ever. seriously.
if you ever upset me, feel free to order me a small box, available here, i will, no matter the reason for our fight, drop all hard feelings and never bring it up again.

today in: things that are oddly surprising

Marley & Me broke Christmas day records, and came in at #1 this weekend at the box office. This proves my theory that wilson brother + jen ani + puppy = pure gold



i can promise that i will sob more than once at this movie.

today in: things i do not care for

1. chapped lips
2. periods that feel like garbage
3. creeps in my office
4. the smell of banana
5. crying
6. paper cuts
7. writing thank you cards
8. headaches
9. the overshits
10. work.

Hi, I'm Maddie and I'm a wino.
(Hi Maddie)
It's been 12 hours since my last glass of wine.
(Do you feel temptation to drink wine again today?)
No, not yet, but that is because i am still hungover from last night... i fear in mere hours i will.
(Remember that drinking leads to drunkness and you embarassing your ass in front of old friends.)
Oops.

Why can humans do it doggy style, but dogs can't do it missionary style? and why is there not a HUMAN style?

Backtalk with Barb

Dear Maddie,
As the new year approaches, I would like to share my resolutions for 2009 with you.
1. get thin - i know this is a cliché but i swear to god this is the fucking year. i will do whatever it takes, pay whatever it costs, and eat whatever amount of spinach salads necessary.
2. get out of dodge - it's time for a change of scenery.
3. nurture friendships - i got lazy towards the end of the year with sharing my time with friends. its so much easier to just lay on my couch with a box of nilla wafers, but this year i need to get off my fat (soon to be thin) ass and head to happy hour.
speaking of happy hour...
4. limit booze - i am fairly sure that i may have a severe addiction to wine. This has GOT to stop
5. develop a cheese allergy - i decided that the only possible way for me to limit the amount of cheese i eat is to either a) develop an allergy to it, or b) TRICK myself into thinking I've developed an allergy to it.
6. purge - not the vomit kind, but like all the shit that is in my closet that just sits there collecting dust. i don't care how much i spent on it, if i don't wear it, it goes.
7. new look - i am a black white and grey phenomenon. and i am fairly certain that i, and i alone, keep Gap's favorite tee section next to empty. its time to branch out.
8. find good tailor - when i spend 2hundo on a pair of jeans, i should take them to a GOOD tailor to get them hemmed for my short ass... instead of cutting off the ends like a freaking 8th grader.
9. get more tattoos - this isn't so much a resolution as my new incentive to get thin. 10 lbs lost = 1 new tattoo. i am hoping for 3 this year.
10. stop buying throw pillows - so my husband doesn't divorce me.

Wish me luck, Happy holidays
Barb

IFTF's sure thing hangover cure:
1. can of diet coke
2. 4 advil
3. 2 large bottles evian water
4. 10 minutes in the tanning bed or steam room
5. 1 hour nap

GOLD.

daily dee

source

HI... I MISSED YOU BLOG!!!!

Did you miss me too? enough to buy me this cocktail ring i dont need???

remember when..

You'd spend every episode with your fingers crossed for Jack... some day jack, SOME DAY!

since I'm heading out of town...

i figure this should go up to ensure Santa sees that i am honoring sweet baby jebus... thus deserving all my requested gifts. including finger monkeys.

OMFG someone buy me this fox fur collared moto jacket, and proceed to throw fake blood on me... i won't care... cause i'll be looking fucking awesome!

coffee talk with dirty diane

Hark Maddie!
Do you hear the Herald Angels singing? I sure do. As we open our presents and drink our holiday cheer, let us not think of our credit card bills or the crises of the world. Let's ask ourselves what Jesus would do. I'm pretty sure Jesus would tear the shit out of that paper until he found the little turquoise box from Daddy. Just like me. It's not selfish to enjoy receiving. It's the way Jesus wants it.
Cheers and jewelry!
DD

dating 101: universal signals

Today's topic comes from a reader who asked for some explaining on some less than obvious signals. I figured there were more than a few UNIVERSAL, as in coming from both sexes, signals.

scene: you're out on date #3, things are going great and you're both obviously enjoying yourselves. you wonder if you're going to end up in any of the following situations:
a) playing cowboys and Indians in your ass-less chaps and spurs
b) watching a romantic comedy with some heavy petting near the end
c) drunk as skunks with a bedroom issue
d) seeing each other nakey for the first time and making sweet sweet loving
or
e) none of the above, kiss at the door, home alone to help yourself as usual


Here are some "seal the deal" signals both men and women give:
1. touching - anywhere, from hands to knees to inner things to foot rubs. any touch is a signal that the other person wants to get closer to you.
2. moderate to heavy drinking - encourage the other to not get TOO blasted to the point of no penile function, but at least to the point of loose lips and legs.
3. eye contact - play the "catch them staring" game... then turn away slightly. continue this until your heart races and you have a mild throbbing sensation in your pants. if they're into you, you'll be into them... literally.
4. no panties - well this is really the girl's doing, but both sexes benefit. if she's not wearing panties, you're in for a treat.
5. ordering dessert - order anything chocolate... it's a guaranteed panty dropper.
6. rub his thigh - if he gets a stiffie at dinner, you know he'll get one at dessert.
7. wear cologne - girls are suckers for it. seriously.

Signs that you're getting no where, fast:
1. she's wearing pearls - unless she's dressed as a dirty secretary, or IS your dirty secretary, this is just a sign that she's prim and proper and that pearl necklace will never be replaced with one you want to give her.
2. she's drinking white wine - she's going home alone... so are you.
3. your 3rd date is at a Mexican restaurant - you'll both be making love to the toilet later. so...
4. she's got a ribbon in her hair - see #1. she's a snoot, with a closed up coot.
5. he didn't shave - girls don't want sandpaper make out sessions.
6. she didn't shave - boys don't want sandpaper make out sessions.
7. if you're so nervous you're swearing like a kid with turrets - a casual 'fuck' here and there is a sign of comfort, but an outburst means you're nervousness is now to blame for your blue balls.

afternoon letters from carol

Dear Maddie,
This will be my last letter before Christmas (and my first letter this week because I am lazy as fuck and drink too much champagne every night...). Maddie, it's times like these that I like to reflect on what Christmas truly means. For me, Baby Jesus' birthday means lots of things: days off, funny cakes from Lunds that say "Happy Birthday Jesus Christ" and getting presents from "Santa." Below is my Christmas list. Also if you wouldn't mind forwarding it to Santa that would be great:
- finger monkey
- mini horse (2)
- two houses with an underground tunnel connecting them and someone to make them clean and pretty for me
- a puppy that looks like a squirrel/bat to be a companion to my other puppy that looks like a squirrel/bat
- an unlimited supply of Veuve Clicquot (the regular kind and the pink stuff)
- more quality time with Steve (BFFaeaeae....)
- a ski vacation
- beef jerky (and other jerkies)
- a beach vacation
- Serena Van der Woodson hair
- the $4,000 Precor elliptical I like
- a hot tub
- a trampoline

Thanks a bunch and Merry Christmas or whatever.
Love,
Carol

If I got the opportunity to substitute teach a 2nd grade class...

here are some things i would tell those brats to bring them down off their sugar highs:
1. Cats lay eggs. Your parents hide them from you and you eat them on Easter.
2. Clowns eat children. After your pointless birthday party, one of your friends will be sacrificed to appease them.
3. The tooth fairy is actually a boy.
4. Your parents only make you take math as a punishment. You'll never actually use it.
5. If you're name shows up on the bad list, Santa will give your parents cancer.
6. Sixth graders learn to turn invisible in science class. Then they watch you in the bathroom.
7. Diaries are closely monitored by the government. Everything you write in them gets read aloud on the evening news so your parents can have a good laugh at you.
8. Your parents stopped having children when they saw how embarrassing you turned out to be.
9. Gumby and Pokey are in an illegal sexual relationship... you should ask your parents what Beastiality means
10. Your parents got divorced because you were too slow learning how to read.
11. Smokey Bear got his name by smoking too much weed in college.
12. The muppets are perverts who wear puppet suits so they can touch little kids.
13. Ask your mom why your uncle tickled you in a funny place.
14. The turkey you eat on thanksgiving was alive when you took your first bite.
15. Peter pan is dead.

Does anyone else wonder what the Patchouli scent is made up of? I imagine it involves some form of molded vegetable mixed with sweat and baby garp. Anyone?

“If I had a dollar for every time Mel Gibson got __________, I’d be a very rich person by now.”

Hi, I'm Maddie and I'm fat.
(Hi Maddie)
It's been 16 hours since my last workout.
(Do you feel temptation to workout again today?)
No, that is the problem.
(Remember that working out and eating well will ultimately get you to your goals the healthiest and fastest way.)
But I'm pretty sure working out is the jolie-pitts.

morning letters from steve

Dear Maddie,
As I sit here listening to Journey, I am reminded of my youth when I didn’t have you, your blog, or my new bestie Carol (shout out to my girl!!!). As this being my last letter before Christmas ‘08 hits, today I would like to let you what I asked Santa for...

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas this year is money...cool?
Thanks!
Steve

Let’s keep out fingers crossed! I kinda already spent it, so I am really hoping he doesn’t eff this up...
xoxo -
Steve

On my last chance to give santa one last try on spoiling me rotten with gifts, i figured i'd better submit a last minute list...

1. no actual work on the last workday before christmas
2. no snow on christmas day so i can drive to my freaking in laws without the ADDITIONAL stress of snow... they are enough stress as it is.
3. a dina lohan doll
4. low lights... i went too blonde last week
5. mouth clamps for my shoe eating dogs
6. an iphone. i just want one.
7. exercise queen skipper
8. a hot bod
9. for my secret plans to work out
10. a sparkly new job in nyc
11. white lacquered anything
12. new prada frames (glasses)
13. a yoga membership... that shit's expensive!
14. a buyer for my car
15. the ability to snowboard
16. a personal driver
17. a years supply of cuervo
18. a bikini body
19. a party boat, in miami... like diddy has
20. a finger monkey.